The only person in my family that knows about this blog is my husband. He’s pretty supportive, though he doesn’t say much and even if his way of support is portrayed in the form of a challenge. He challenged me that I couldn’t do this 365 blog when I first mentioned it. I’d like to believe that what appears to be lack in faith, is instead his way to push me. My Irish and Philadelphian roots are built with stubborn and defiant characteristics. I used to think these were flaws, but they make me who I am, so I will not shy away from them if that’s what I need to survive. In fact, those “flaws” are the reason I’m writing you. He said I couldn’t, therefore I do.
There aren’t a lot of things that I think I’ve done necessarily right in my life. I had so many dreams when I was a teenager and a surprising amount of adults to supported them, particularly people who had no real investment in me. There is nothing they’d gain from my success. They just cared. I never thought about it before. Teachers, co-workers, older friends all took the time to mentor me, without request and without agenda.
I’ve told you before that I’m an old soul. My favorite memories are sitting with my Grandmoms and just talking. These are some of my earliest memories and with two gone and one left, I see this part of my life slipping away. I expected encouragement from them, but instead I got simple friendship. I could actually consider them people I loved, respected and wanted to spend time with. We’d laugh and talk about things that matter, not just superficial weather or sports talk. When I think back though, even though they were incredibly important to me, they weren’t my motivators.
As I got my first job at a Hallmark store, I was enveloped by the family of people who owned and worked at the store. They saw me through some of the harder times and though many were much older in experience and years, they counseled me without me even knowing it. They encouraged the school-skipping and concert going city girl, and led me to believe anything was possible. I continued to find people like this wherever I went. Maybe I was a project or maybe I actually was as special as my parents said, but maybe I was just blessed with meeting the right people and accepting such unlikely friendships. There I was, in California and my closest friends had children my age.
I didn’t sit down to write this blog, I had another vision in mind. I started thinking about my plans. I gave up so many plans to be logical when I was about twenty. I gave up the steps I needed to take to fulfill my dreams, and instead kept dreaming with no real track to ever get there. That’s changing. Whether it’s logical or not, is not my concern anymore. I’m going to be putting my husband and I in a financial situation that falls into a category of the unknown, possibly stupid. I’m going to be leaping from a steady job to who knows what. It’s scary. But I can’t help but feel that I owe it to myself and to every person who gave me the reason to believe I was good enough to get what I want. I’m doing something because I want to and for the first time, it’s not out of defiance. Whether or not I find what I’m looking for, I can at least die saying that I tried, instead of feeling like a coward.
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