In an attempt to be less serious this evening, here is a simple list of things that are so minor they shouldn’t even be mentioned. They aren’t pet peeves. They are just moments that make me yell “Dammit!” I hope maybe you can relate to a few and then I won’t feel so crazy.
- Sneezing after I apply my mascara. I did this twice last week, probably because the spring weather approached us early and the dawn of allergies. I tried to keep it in, but instead of trying to fight it too hard and allowing my eyeballs to pop out from the pressure, I went with it. I looked like I belonged in the Clockwork Orange. I should’ve rocked the derby at work that day.
- (Stares at open dresser drawer with eyes wide) “What do you mean I’m out of underwear??” Ok, maybe it’s time to start buying colors that fit into all three of the laundry color piles. I’m required to wear clothing that my company has us buy and so is my husband. It’s ALL navy blue. Just like our jeans. We primarily rush to get these done and the other colors get a little neglected. (Just in case you’re wondering, though you likely aren’t, I didn’t go commando. I found something very small and uncomfortable to wear and put laundry on the top of my “to do” list that day. What am I, single? Who wears these things?)
- Really, did I just make a Lawrence Welk reference to be funny? What am I, 90? I’m an old soul, I know. Thank goodness hubby is. But every now and then I let something slip around the late 20-somethings (who act their age) and they just stare. “What? I don’t get it.” If only Gram were around, she’d laugh. I was later reprieved when SNL started doing skits about the Welk show by the way. Justice! Next I’ll start sharing the highlights of last night’s Jeopardy. Oh wait, I did that too. The good news is, the clip was all over YouTube so it must’ve been worth mentioning. Lots of self-justification going on here, huh?
- I’m a good person. I work hard. I help others. I rush to take out the recycling before I get in the car for work…and I step in my dog’s crap. All I had to do was drag that bin from the backyard, get it to the curb and boom, gone. No. Not today. And we’re wearing your sneakers with all the little grooves in them. Wonderful. We’ll just get the keys out of the car that’s warming up and change. Don’t worry though, if you step in crap early, the day will only get better. And it will.
- When sunglasses drop on concrete, is it required that they only scratch right at the eye line; that miniscule space on the big lens that your eye lines up perfectly with? Thanks.
- Mythbusters tested it, and I don’t remember if the myth was busted or not, but I can tell you; buttered bread or anything with substance will fall face down. I don’t need scientific testing to agree. Also, spaghetti sauce will get on your white shirt. I would like to get in on that study and just eat pasta all day to see what happens. They can supply the clothes though.
- Last but not least, as I sit here with my drooped shoulder, I will address depth perception. Mine is completely off when I switch from contacts to glasses. Worse without either. I will get ready for bed, don my glasses and run into a doorjamb with my shoulder. Maybe it is because one is set for astigmatism which causes a slight fishbowl effect. Still, I do it all the time and I constantly forget to anticipate it. But, on a lighter note, I feel like I look thinner when I see myself in the mirror through my glasses, so I won’t say it’s a fair trade, but it softens the blow. Boo. Bad joke.
Luckily for people in real life, I don’t walk around lamenting about these things, but since they managed to collide recently, I thought it was worth sharing. As always, if these are the least of my problems, I will take my Clockwork Orange-self and run into a wall a few times to set myself straight. Life is still pretty good.