Notes to My Future Self about Yard Work

Today was a day of accomplishment.  With gorgeous spring weather, brought the desire to get up early and make this spring, the spring that we have a well put together backyard.  Now that I’m showered and subtle frustration has calmed, I can solidly put together some of the thoughts and tips I developed as the day progressed.  That sounds all hunky dory, doesn’t it?  But really this is the stuff that I am warning myself for the future yard work adventures.  It sounds better to put it that way than blatantly complaining.

  • Warn your husband not to laugh at you when you trip or twist your ankle when you are tired, dirty and cranky, and carrying more than a normal armload of tree branches; unless you think they’d like expletives to be thrown their way.  Also, when said expletives are cast upon your spouse, don’t be surprised that you instantly develop a crude character assessment and reputation from the elderly and nosy neighbors.
  • The way to get color on your pasty skin is not to apply heavy duty sunblock (first of all) and then not wait long enough for it to dry.  When the wind kicks up and blows fine dirt your way, it only makes you look dirty.  It just makes you look homeless and feel gritty.  Also, start standing upwind of the dirty to avoid breathing it in and being appalled later when you blow your nose and have nearly black boogies.  You’ll remember this note when your allergies kick in and after excessive nose blowing, you see your reflections and your nose is the only area of skin on your body that shows your real skin color.
  • Don’t rush.  When ripping out weeds, be sure not to grab hold of a rose branch accidentally and sliding more than a couple thorns through your delicate hands, which rips your skin apart.  Yes, I should have been wearing my gloves, but I thought I was done and then noticed a weed-ridden area.  I’ve already paid for this mistake with stinging rubbing alcohol.  Still, do not make this mistake again.

  • Along the same lines, don’t be so offended when you accidentally grab your dog’s crap while again, picking weeds in the yard.  After all, didn’t you just spend an hour spreading manure in the garden beds?  Is it really that different?  And why do you spend so much time picking weeds?  I know you think it’s relaxing, but then you’ll find a way of hurting yourself and have a hissy fit.
  • Your flowers/vegetables/herbs are not going to grow as fast or as hardy as weeds, stop wishing it.  Additionally, there is no use trying to convince yourself that maybe God intended dandelions to be beautiful yellow flowers.  Suck it up, get the good stuff and spray them till they wilt.  Also, though it is sweet to remember being a kid and blowing the dandelion seeds all over, refrain from doing so.

  • There is such a thing as ants in your pants.  I know, I know, you wanted to wear shorts so that your legs would see the light of day for the first time in nine months.  First, consider using that self-tanner stuff next time.  Second, don’t sit on the lawn and not expect a critter or two to utilize your body like a playground, particularly when you sit next to your husband and hear him mention how he just found a big ant colony.

After all this, just maybe there will be fresh herbs to cut in my new garden patch in a few weeks.  There better be!

 

Photos courtesy of Wikipedia and straight.com

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